“I cannot believe this is happening again!” an agitated Sadie exclaimed out loud to the empty seat across from her.  She had been rather proud of herself yesterday when she let go of the space of hate in her heart for the idiot who had forgotten to call her when an emergency kept him from meeting for their first date.

One week ago, after an hour of sitting at a table in the coffee shop, pretending to look like she was meant to be there alone, she finally walked out regally holding her back rigid and her head high.  She vowed she would not give that fool the dignity of even a phone call to find out what happened.  She would NOT respond to his emails.  When he called to apologize profusely, she would hang up without so much as a word.

Of course, that was all in her mind.  In reality as soon as she got home, she logged into her account to see if there was a message from him.  There was not.  She then sent him a text to see if he was all right.  No response.   Then she left him a scathing voice message letting him know that she expected to be treated better; that she deserved the respect of at least a phone call if he could not keep the date; that her time was far more valuable than wasting it on the likes of him.  Instead of feeling better, once again, Sadie was more crushed than a soda can run over by a car.

She sought solace from her best friend, LIndy, who seemed to be far more reasonable in seeing all sides of a situation.  She agreed that Sadie’s first response would have been more appropriate, just leave it be and move on.  Chalk it up to another fatality of online dating.  Then while they were hiking, Sadie answered a call from the fool who had stood her up.  He was full of apologies, explaining that his little girl had fallen at the playground and cut her chin.  He had taken her to the emergency room, and in the midst of that drama completely lost track of time and of the scheduled date.

He begged for another chance saying that he had enjoyed his conversations and email exchanges with Sadie, and was terribly disappointed at having missed the chance to meet her.  All Sadie’s bravado seeped into the ground cover of the trail she was hiking, and with it her resolve to never subject herself to another disappointment.

Lindy’s voice of reason also encouraged her to be open.  “If he sounded sincere and you really want to meet him, then what have you got to lose,” she had asked Sadie.

“My pride,” was Sadie’s reply.  Yet, she was touched by his calling and besides, what kind of heartless monster would she be not to understand that his little girl’s need for stitches was a priority?

So, here she is sitting once again at Barnes & Nobles alone at a table for twenty minutes now.  She purposely arrived on time, not early.

“I must be the fool,” she dryly offered the empty space across from her.  As she reached for her phone to call Lindy, a call was coming in.

“Is it your turn to stand me up?” Bill’s voice greeted her.

“Don’t even go there,” screeched Sadie into her cell phone. I have been sitting here waiting for you.  How could you be such a jerk?”

“Sadie, what are you talking about?  I’ve been here for over half an hour.  I have watched every person walk through the door.”

“Bill, I don’t know what game you are playing, but I am not interested.  Let’s just forget it.  I am going home.”  Sadie hung up the phone and walked out to her car.  Only once inside did she allow the tears to flow.”

“Dear Sadie, please find in the attachment a copy of a receipt of a book purchased 5 minutes after we spoke on the phone this afternoon. I was at the bookstore as we agreed. I purchased a book to show you that I was there. Obviously you were upset today. I apologize if I contributed to that. However, I am not sure how. I arrived at the designated place early in anticipation of meeting you.

I am very confused that you did not see me. I am even more surprised that you hung up so abruptly. Maybe this is not such a good idea, although I like to give everything a chance of 3. Please consider giving it one more chance. Let’s scratch Barnes & Noble. Let’s meet for breakfast.”

Sadie is greeted by this email when she logs into her email account. The receipt clearly shows May 10th and it IS from Barnes & Noble. HOW CAN THAT BE?

“I was there!” she shouted to her laptop. “This is crazy!”

So of course, Sadie dialed Lindy’s number. “LIndy, you are not going to believe this. I am looking at a copy of a receipt that Bill emailed to me. He purchased a book at B&N today. The time confirms he was there. It makes no sense.”

“Hmmmm, that’s weird. Sadie, are you sure you knew what he looked like? You haven’t the best luck with meeting men who match their profile pictures?”

“Not again. If that’s the case, I really don’t want to meet him. He asked me for a third chance. None of this makes sense.”

“Sadie, I just thought of something. Look at the address on the receipt.”

“The address? Oh my goodness! LIndy this is so funny! He WAS at B&N, but in South Nashua! I was in Manchester. Now whose fault is that?”

“Sadie, knowing you the way I do, my bets are on you confusing the meeting place.”

“Lindy, that is so unfair. You know, come to think of it. We did not specify one. I guess I just assumed we’d meet there since he lives in Manchester.”

“Interesting, Sadie. I am guessing that because you live in Nashua, that he went there. This guy sounds pretty nice, actually.”

“He wants to meet for breakfast. Where should we go?”

“Why don’t you let him decide and make sure you get the address AND name of the place you are meeting. Oh, and Sadie, make sure you get the right day.”

“Very funny!”

“So, what happened after the first month?  Did the honeymoon end?” Lindy caustically asked her friend.

“Lindy, stop being so condescending!” Sadie chastised.  “You’re acting as if you’ve never made a mistake.”

“Sadie, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I must say, in the past few months, you win the prize!  I’m sorry if I am being derisive. I guess in some ways, I am actually a bit jealous of your spirit and freedom to explore options so openly with men.  I never would have allowed myself to go to Florida and be swept up by such romance. But that does not mean that it is either right or wrong.  Go ahead, Sadie, finish the story.”

“Thanks, Lindy.  Thanks for being so YOU.  I love your honesty and always have respected you for that. That’s why you are one of my dearest friends.  No matter what has gone down in my life, you have stood by me AND let me know very clearly what you thought of the situation. I have never had to guess where you stood. That is priceless.
So, after a month of being blissfully happy with Karl, things started to change.  I am not sure if it was him or me, yet we weren’t connecting as fluidly as before.  As a matter of fact, he was beginning to annoy the heck out of me.  I could not breathe without his catching the exhale.  Seriously, Lindy, I started to wonder when he’d give me a minute to my own thoughts.  We did EVERYTHING  together, and it began to wear on me.

I tried telling him I needed some space and he just laughed.  Can you imagine, laughing at that?  Of course, that made me madder than a lioness whose cubs were taken away.  The more I explained that I felt suffocated, the less time alone he gave me.  He was supposed to be traveling back and forth between Florida and Chicago, and yet for five straight weeks, he stayed put. He never went back to Chicago!

Of course a part of me was in my glory with beaches, sun, and ocean to enjoy.  In the first few weeks, I did not have a care in the world except to enjoy the respite from winter and sadness of miserable dates and another failed relationship.  Then, reality began to creep its ugly head into the mix.  I began to notice things I did not like.  I started to resent having no time to myself.  I was even getting tired of eating out and indulging in too much alcohol – Close your mouth, Lindy.  That is not funny.  Yes, I did just say that, and I meant it at the time.”

“I did not say a word, Sadie,” smirked Lindy.

“You did not have to say anything.  Your look said it all!”  Sadie remarked back.

“After five weeks in Florida, I exploded at Karl and told him I was going home.  He begged me to stay and promised to give me space.  So for the last week, it was better.  He cooked a couple of meals for me, even inviting the neighbors one night. That’s when I knew it was over.  One of the neighbors was a buxom blonde of questionable age who was very free with her physical attention if you know what I mean.  Two things happened.  Karl welcomed her attention, even giving it back, and I did not care.  I packed my bags two nights later and headed home. Karl did not try to stop me.

I was far more devastated than I realized .  I  felt so defeated and disappointed that Karl fell for someone else so easily right in front of me, especially when I thought he wanted me to stay. I felt so worthless and discarded.  When I got home I just fell apart.”

“Oh Sadie,” crooned Lindy.  I am so sorry, honey,  I guess even a toughie like you has a breaking point.  I am so glad you came out of your darkness and met me for lunch today.  What are you going to do now?”

Just as Sadie was about to answer, a very handsome man walked past her table and smiled her way. Sadie smiled back.

“So the first night, he dropped me off at the posh hotel I was staying and he went home.  We had such a great time, Saturday.  We strolled through downtown holding hands.  I just remember that we laughed all day!  We met some of his friends for lunch, and that was just great. Karl’s friends were so receptive to me and made me feel so welcome.

After the event, we strolled through downtown and sat on a park bench and he kissed me so sweetly and deeply, that I got dizzy. I had never been kissed so perfectly.  In between kisses, in an attempt to keep my equilibrium, and possibly to push him away, I lapsed into a dialogue of profanity, and this actually charmed him.  I thought for sure the rough edged side of me would dampen the attraction, and yet, he seemed drawn even more to me.  I felt so accepted.

So, my good friend, I am sure you are not surprised that when he brought me back to my room and asked to stay for a nightcap, I welcomed him in.  But, Lindy, let me tell you, I was so not prepared for what happened that night.

We resumed our kissing.  That led to touching.  Here’s the thing, though, He touched me in ways I had not ever experienced. It was thrilling and then in a surprising moment, I released a flood of liquid fire and with it a ton of emotional baggage, and I just melted into his arms. He stayed the night.

Sunday, we went to a Chicago White Sox baseball game, my first ever official baseball game.  I must admit I felt a bit sacrilegious going to a baseball field  in Chicago and I had never been to Fenway Park for a game.  Yet, how could I refuse the offer from someone so excited to show this experience to me.  So we went to the game and thought I would be bored to tears, and really enjoyed the experience.

Afterwards, we went to dinner, and after quickly drinking a glass of wine, I blurted out, ‘What happened last night?’ It turns out, this man is well versed in sex education since he actually wrote the curriculum for a school district  for  elementary school.  Have you ever hear of the skene gland, Lindy?”

“No, Sadie, I have not,” replied Lindy a bit skeptically.

“Neither had I. It is the female equivalent of the male prostrate and when it is massaged it can produce female ejaculation and orgasm.  There is some controversy as to its existence, yet I can attest that it is real!”

“Wow, Sadie, I never heard of, nor experienced it. It sounds pretty incredible.”

“It is,” Sadie agreed enthusiastically.  But I have to admit it was unsettling the first few times it happened.  Then I started to anticipate it.”

“Thanks for the education, Sadie, and I am sure I will ask you more about this, but  HOW did you end up in Florida?”

“Oh,” said Sadie.  We had so much fun that weekend, and Sunday after the game, Karl invited me to accompany him to Florida.  He was starting a new business and he planned to be traveling back and forth for a couple of months.  He told me that he would love for me to be with him. He was melting my heart.  I cannot believe that I let him.”

“Sadie, I cannot believe it either.  You allowed chemistry to take over your brain and body.”

“I know, Lindy.  After the horrible online dating experiences I’d had, and the heartbreak of Gary turning out to be less than stellar, I guess I was off my game.  It was so wonderful to be with a man who treated me so royally in so many ways.  He was like the best of everyone.  He was such an encouragement for me at the time and it was easy to fall.  The way I saw it, I was fortunate to be able to say yes because I had free time on my hands.  So I went.  And it was glorious for the first month.”

“Hello Lindy! I am ready to come out of my hole. Can we meet for lunch today?”

“Of course. I was only giving you one more day before I broke down your door and dragged you out myself! Thanks for sparing us both that.” Lindy laughed with relief at the sound of her best friend’s request. “I will meet you at 1:00 at La Tella’s. I am in the mood for some eggplant parmesan.”

Sadie purposely arrived late, uncharacteristically not wanting to sit alone to wait for her friend. When she saw her friend, whom she has known since childhood, Sadie waved enthusiastically to her.

“Oh, Lindy,” Sadie cried happily as she gave her friend a warm hug. “Thanks so much for meeting me. I could not take my own company another day. I finally convinced myself to soak in a hot bath this morning, and prepare to re-enter the world. I am so glad that I have you.”

Lindy agreed that it was time for Sadie to end her self-imposed exile. “For heaven’s sake, Sadie. It was just a man. How could you let anyone affect you so?”

Sadie, who was usually very brash and sassy, whined, “I am not sure I can handle another broken heart. I think it is time for me to just play for a while. What is wrong with me that I fall for the same man over and over again?! The faces are different but nothing else about them is.”

“So what attracted you to this one? How did you get so carried away so quickly, Sadie?” Lindy implored of her friend.

Sadie may have been down for the past week or so, yet now that she has finally got out, her excitement bubbled up, especially when it came time to talking about romance, even a failed one.

“Honestly, Lindy, it was so hard not to fall. We met in the airport. Remember when I flew to Chicago to break it off with Gary? Well, I had just given my seat up because the flight was overbooked, and the airlines offered me a free round trip ticket. Plus they put me on a direct flight later that day. I could not resist and there was no reason I needed to rush back. So, I was waiting for the shuttle to another terminal and suddenly, I heard a male voice comment, “I can tell that you are a very meticulous person.”

I was the only other person standing there. I chuckled, knowing the real truth about me. I turned toward to him and asked, “Now, sir, how do you know that?”

“I can tell by the way you are putting your phone away in the case.”

“’Now, that’s a line I’ve never heard before,’ and I flashed him a smile. We chatted for the next three hours. It turns out he had a whole story about why he was on the same plane to which I had been switched rather than having flown out the night before. He was so charming, and it seemed like fate that we had met, and that our seats were actually together on the flight.

We sat in the very last seat of the plane. He was on his way to Long Island for a charity event and happened to be carrying a cooler of mini pink champagne bottles, which he gladly shared with me. I had him laughing hysterically with stories of the men I had been dating. He proclaimed himself, ’the upgrade.’

Lindy, you can imagine how much fun I was having. By the time we landed in Boston, he had convinced me to accompany him to Long Island.

I can see that look, Lindy. It was not the champagne. I only drank two little bottles.”

Recounting the Color

Sadie is sitting at LaTella’s restaurant with her life long friend, Lindy.  She has just recounted how she met Karl, and is ready to relive the wonderful six week fantasy relationship.

“Lindy, why wouldn’t I go to Long Island with him?  I had the time available, and what a great opportunity to get over Gary.  You know, how hard that was for me to make that decision, and even though I did manage to go through  ending things with Gary, it was still hard for me to do.

“I know Sadie, you struggled with that choice.  But do you not see that you jumped from one hurtful relationship that, by the way, you jumped into so quickly, and it totally messed up your judgement in ending your marriage.  But that’s another conversation, so I will let it be.  But honestly, Sadie, you leaped from one situation into another without catching your breath!”

“Lindy. I see that now, but at the airport  I wasn’t thinking about anything except how much I was enjoying Karl’s company.  I did not go to Long Island with any ideas except that it would be a fun weekend. And, Lindy, it was!  You know because I had told you all about it.”

“Yes, Sadie, you did.  You were on cloud nine, and honestly, I was happy and excited for you.  I felt it was just what you needed.  I also thought that you had enough sense to let it be just that, a good time.  When you got back from Long Island, you had said good bye to Karl.  You spoke to him on the phone a few times, and you seemed to have your wits about you.  You went to visit him in Chicago, and the next thing I knew, you were in Florida, and I only heard from you here and there with snippets of the good times you were having.  Actually you became euphoric and as the weeks went on, I heard less from you, until of course you crashed.   So tell me, Sadie.  What happened?”

“Long Island was so much fun as you know, and I really enjoyed his company.  I stayed in the hotel room with him, and yet he was completely respectful of my desire to sleep on a separate bed. I enjoyed time alone while he was involved in the charity event, and I even participated a bit myself.  We flew back to Boston, said good bye and he continued to Chicago where he lives. He called me regularly, and  we had so much fun talking.  He was such a cheer leader for me, encouraging me to explore my options of what to do with my life now.

Then one night, when we were talking, he invited me to come for a visit.  He offered to put me up in a hotel.  There was a dinner where he was being recognized for his volunteer work, and he wanted me to accompany him.  You thought it was a good idea, if I remember correctly, LIndy.”

“Yes, I did, Sadie.  You were a bit apprehensive about going, and I actually did encourage you to go.  I never imagined that you would stay there.  I certainly did not anticipate Florida!”

“Ok.  So, I met several of Karl’s friends at the Volunteer Recognition.  They were so happy that he had met a woman that excited him.  One woman, Carmen, pulled me aside, and told me how difficult his divorce had been.  He was such a kind man and everyone loved him.   His friends and family knew how devastated he was when his wife decided to leave him.  The divorce had been finalized for six months, yet it had taken two years to resolve.  In all of this time, he had not dated at all, although Carmen had tried to push many woman in front of him.  She was so thrilled that I was there, and that he was happy.

“Lindy, my heart started to melt. I knew he had been through a painful divorce, but I had no idea that his inviting me there was a big deal.  I also thought that it was time he was having fun with a woman.

My mini marriage is over.  I am as deflated as a popped balloon at a child’s birthday party.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  Who am I kidding?  I was not thinking.  I did not think.  I reacted to the first man who had my juices flowing after walking away from my lifeless marriage.

I reacted to the attention of a man who said all the right things to me and made me feel vibrant and alive when he kissed me, and touched me, and well, you know.  He did things to me that I did not know could be done.  He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world when he looked into my eyes.  And I was.  For about 6 fantasy weeks I was.

I had been flying so high on the clouds I have been unavailable to the rest of the world.  And now the flight has ended and I just want to crawl under a rock and die.  I am being a bit melodramatic.  Of course, I don’t really want to die.  I just want this awful hollow feeling of emptiness to disappear.  I want my life back, my life as I knew it before it became so colorful.  I want the sepia tones back.  I know how to exist there.
You’ve got me in a rather bad moment, as you can see. I am drowning in my sorrows alone, have been for several days now.  I think it is time I pull myself together, crawl out of the same clothes I have lived in for the past week and take a shower.  Yes, that’s a start.  I will shower.  Then I will pick up the phone and call my best friend and make plans to go see her.

I will put on my the prettiest dress in my closet, curl my hair, apply my favorite made up look, and …
Maybe tomorrow.

“What is wrong with that, Dave, is blatant trickery and manipulation.” I replied.

“And by the way, the reason I may not have affirmed a connection had I seen your REAL picture, is NOT just about looks and size.  However, I do value healthy habits, which include exercise and movement.  I would like someone who also enjoys those things, so I have someone to do them with. Perhaps it a wrong assumption on my part, but I don’t imagine that hiking or sweating in a Bikram yoga class is high on your list of activities.”  I announced.

“My dear Sadie,” Dave wheedled.  “You are correct that I have not recently engaged in physical activity, but really, are you seriously going to disqualify a man who could satisfy so many other needs because he won’t walk with you?” challenged Dave.

My martini is kicking in and I just want to kick this arrogant prick.  However, decorum prevails, so instead, I stand up, look him straight in the eye, and tell him, “You are the reason some women hate men.  Fortunately, I am not one of them, but I have had enough of you and this conversation.  Thank you for the drink.  Enjoy your evening, and good bye.”

I grabbed my coat from the back of the chair, and as I turned to put my arm in the sleeve, I punched the unsuspecting man who had just walked in and was about to sit down.

“Are you alright?  Did I hurt you? I am so sorry,” I gushed profusely.

He actually managed to smile at me as he stroked the spot on his arm I had just assaulted.

“Lucky for you that you are taller, or else you might be deaf right now.”  I managed to laugh as I said this.  To which his response was a wide smile.

“You do have a mean right jab, for sure.  Maybe I should help you finish putting on your coat, just to be safe.

“Too bad you are leaving.  I would love to hear whose hit I just took,” he chuckled as he held my coat as I slid my other arm in.

It IS still early.  I may not be leaving after all….

“Oh, good Lord!  That cannot possibly be the man I am meeting tonight,” I exclaimed out loud to no one in particular.

“Excuse me,” I said to the waiter passing by, ““Is that portly man, and I am being kind, mind you, waiting for anyone in particular?”

Before the waiter could answer, the man in question turned towards me with a wide smile, “Hello Sadie, I am so glad to see you!”

“Are you Dave?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes, I am,” he answered with a smile, and a bit of a mischievous twinkle in his eye, I might add.

I could only manage a whimper as I walked towards him.  Before I even sat down I ordered a Gray Goose martini, extra dry from the bartender.  If this was a joke, I was not amused, and if it was for real, I needed fortification, and quickly.

“Hello, Dave. Have you been waiting long?” I asked as I put my hand out in greeting.

“Not long at all.  You look lovely,” was his reply.

We chatted about nothing much at all as I settled in and anxiously awaited the arrival of my martini.  Now, I am not usually a heavy drinker.  Generally, I enjoy lingering over a lovely red wine.  However, I was not prepared for the scene that was unfolding, and I just needed to relax quickly, or else I was bound to just turn around and walk right out.  I was here to meet the handsome man from Match.com whom I had been emailing and talking to for the past couple of weeks.  The only problem is that the man before me and the picture of the man I was expecting to see were so completely different.  So, to be fair, I was in a bit of shock.

“Here, you go miss,” said the waiter as he placed my drink before me.  “Thank heavens,” I said as I held my glass to Dave’s, and swallowed a large sip of icy comfort.

“Who are you?”  I finally blurted out.  “Was the real Dave unable to make it tonight and sent you in his place instead?  Because you most certainly are not the man in the profile of whom I’ve been communicating with.”

“I assure you that I am the man that you have been talking with and swapping emails.  I am the man that had you laughing till you cried.  Don’t you recognize my voice?” he asked.

To which I responded, “I am still in shock over your dishonesty to notice your voice.  Why would you do such a creepy thing?”  I wanted to know.  Tactfulness is not one of my top 10 qualities.

“If I had posted my real picture, would you have even given me the time of day, Sadie?” he asked.

“Probably not,” was my honest reply.

“My point.  Think about the past couple of weeks and how enjoyable our conversations have been.  You would not have experienced that if you’d cheated yourself because of how I looked.  Are you really that shallow?” he asked me pointedly.

“I am not shallow at all, and I am also not a liar.  What you did is wrong.  If you were capable of this deceit, what else would you do?  How do you expect to enter into any relationship starting out on that foot?’  I replied.

“Well, first of all, we are just meeting for a meal, and we’ve had a few engaging conversations. So I thought we’d have a few laughs over dinner. What’s the worst thing that we don’t hit it off? So we both had a social evening, and we go our separate ways.  There is the possibility that we will enjoy tonight so much, we’ll want to see each other again.  So, what is so wrong that?”

OK READERS.  LET ME HEAR FROM YOU.  WHAT IS YOUR OPINION? IS WHAT DAVE DID WRONG?  SHOULD SADIE LET IT GO SINCE SHE OBVIOUSLY ENJOYED HIS COMPANY THINKING HE LOOKED DIFFERENTLY?  HAVE YOU HAD THIS EXPERIENCE?  I’D LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

Although I am often on the prowl for someone special to date, it’s those times when I least expect it, that men are attracted to me like bears to honey. It seems to me that when I resemble the Bride of Frankenstein or Godzilla and act like them too, that men seem to pop out of thin air and land in front of me. And yet, those times when I spend hours primping in front of the mirror and changing outfits until I emerge feeling like a queen of the night, that I am grateful for the company of the bartender.  It’s not just me, either.  I witness it with my friends and with strangers.  Being an avid people watcher, I have often observed that the women surrounded by men are not what you would consider classic beauties.  Why is this?  What factors play into this phenomenon? What IS the common denominator whether men approach women or not?

So I began to query men as to what attracted them to one woman versus another. The response I heard repeatedly was that some women seem more approachable. Approachable?  What the BLEEP does that mean?  So I asked them.  Men are drawn to women who are friendly, smile often, and seem relaxed and happy. Women who exude ease and confidence are far more inviting to men than women whose body language and facial expressions are frozen in permanent anger of how much men suck, and silently scream “Back off, Bud!” Contrary to popular belief, men are not that complicated.  They don’t want to think or work hard.  They want it to be easy.

With this information in mind, I circled back to previous experiences and began to pay attention to new ones.  When I smiled, made eye contact, and even said, “Hello,” or held an expression that welcomed while I looked around, rather than stare icily into space, I was more approachable.   Being relaxed, content, and happy, not tense, anxious or filled with hope that someone would find me appealing also made me more approachable. I realized that what I projected made the difference and it was these qualities that made me attractive, not the superficial things such as how I fixed my hair, whether I wore makeup, what clothes I was wearing, or whether I had 3 volcanic pimples on my face about to erupt…which is often the case!

Upon further reflection I recognized that you could meet men anywhere!  We all seem to be stuck in this illusion that it is impossible to meet men or that you have to frequent the night life scene looking like a vamped coquette to meet them.  Yet, I can now share stories of how women have met men in the most common spots at the most seemingly inopportune times, like the grocery store, waiting for a shuttle at the airport, sitting next to one on a flight, waiting in line at the bank, walking out of yoga class, pumping gas, walking their dog, just to name a few.  So ladies, remember that to meet men, it matters not where you are, but who you are, and that you are approachable as yourself which is great, but what do we do after we meet them?  I meet them all the time.  I want to keep one!